This article is contributed by Priyanka Bakhru Talwar for Kidsstoppress.com. Priyanka Bakhru Talwar spent 11 years in the corporate world after her MBA, and in her last profile, she headed marketing for Vogue and Conde Nast Traveler. Around 5 years back, she became interested in metaphysics and psychology, and the adventure that followed has resulted in her new and permanent avatar as a counselor and clinical hypnotherapist. She specialises in relationship and inner child therapies, and is currently pursuing a Masters in Psychology. She dabbles in photography, all ancient and alternative healing arts and cooking; and is passionate about travel and new experiences.
We are all individuals with distinct personalities and quirks and when we become parents that doesn’t change, nor should it. But when our idiosyncrasies and insecurities start to deeply affect our kids, maybe it’s time for a mom-alert. A disclaimer I would like to make here is that of course, the intent is for our kids to be brought up in the best way possible and that motivation is love and concern. But our behavior may be affecting our children in ways we don’t realize or want, if we knew better. I intend these typifications in their extreme cases only, because we all exhibit some of these shades sometimes.
Over my years in the mommy circuit, here are the 5 kinds of mothers I have seen and this is what I would say to them.
- To the Pushy Mom: “Your child is not a ‘do-over’ for your mistakes and regrets!â€_x009d_
We’ve all seen that mother who furiously enrolls her child in every class, takes them to every activity, organizes the most playdates and gatherings and is generally aggressive and perennially active. There is definitely a part of me that admires this mom’s tenacity and energy, but when I see the child, I also see a kid who is exhausted and under pressure. Children need some boredom for creativity to thrive, they need some alone time to explore.
To that mother I want to say; “Ease up a little please…you probably have regrets from your growing up years, and while you should certainly give your children the benefits of your experiences, take a moment to get out of your own head and observe your child. If she absolutely loves the hyper activity, then please go full-steam ahead. But if you find that you sometimes have to force your child to go to classes and places, and if they are demanding to be left at home, then take a bit of a break!â€_x009d_
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- To the Perfect Mom: “Your child is not a ‘mini-you’â€_x009d_
The glossy mom, not a hair out of place, with the perfect husband, home, and perfect child. It makes for a great picture but there is definitely something wrong. Children are not meant to be neat and polite and well dressed and obedient at all times. An independent, creative child simply cannot be right. Child equals mess and fun and tantrums.
To this mom, I would like to say, “Your child is an individual, and not just an accessory like your handbag or your house. I am sure you have worked hard to become a perfectionist, and that you absolutely enjoy the process and planning that goes into it. But that is your choice, and must not be imposed on children. The same rule of thumb applies, if your child shares your passion of perfection, then awesome! But if you notice that she is sullen, acts out at home, or is over-submissive; then you may be sucking all the ‘kid’ out of your child! Ease up on the perfection.”
- To the Competitive Mom: “Your child is not a ‘best mom’ game that you are playingâ€_x009d_
You know these moms and chances are, you know more about their kids than any of the others! We all love to boast about our children, they are a huge source of pride and achievement for most parents. But be wary about crossing that line between occasional pride and a source of irritation. If my child is good at one thing, and yours at another, let’s celebrate that uniqueness.
To this mom, I propose two watch-outs; “You may be setting your child up for ridicule out of sheer irritation in social situations, should she ever fail your expectations; and you may be pushing your child too hard to be good at everything rather than discovering what he truly enjoysâ€_x009d_.
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- To the Careless Mom: “Your child is not a ‘possession’ or a ‘pet’â€_x009d_
While the first three stereotypes are of highly involved parenting, this one is the exact opposite. That mother who has just tumbled into parenthood without a thought or care about the enormous charge she has been tasked with. The one who thinks nothing of nannies, and maids, and day-care and whose child is usually the one we feel a bit sorry for. That child who stays up all hours, who tags along everywhere or nowhere, who seems to have no distinct personality because none has been encouraged.
To this mom, here’s what I would like to highlight,â€_x009d_Yes, children are only a part of your life, and by no means should you stop your entire life to cater to their childhood, but they do need some security, a daily sense of being important and special to you, some definitive change in your lifestyle to accommodate them. Mealtime, bedtime, something that you shift in your life for your child. Else, you may be creating a very fearful and abandoned personâ€_x009d_.
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- To the ‘tragedy-queen’ mom: “Your child is not a vessel for your insecurities and complexesâ€_x009d_
This is the mother who is perpetually harrowed and put out. Life is a big struggle, everything is tough and nothing can make her happy. I don’t mean to trivialize whatever her genuine problems or circumstances may be, but is it the child’s fault?
To this mother, I want to give a hug and say, “You are the single most important person in your child’s life and her entire view of the world is being shaped by your attitude. Do you really want him to grow up believing the world is an unkind, angry and tough place? Or that life is rough and negative? Whether you are the angry-at-life type or the martyr-sufferer, do try to put a smile on your face for the sake of your child, please laugh a little more. Children take it personally!â€_x009d_
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