Pregnancy has a variety of symptoms, and there are a million comparative chats between mothers of young ‘uns on how awful it was vs. sailing through those nine months like a breeze. This conversation, though, is about what happens after that landmark has been reached. Your baby is out of your body and in the world. The first year is all about navigating new emotions; sleep deprivation, coping with your changing body, your new role and new family dynamics. Some women bounce back and cope effortlessly, whilst others almost never recover entirely. The one group finds it impossible to understand the other. ‘Snap out of it’, they say; or ‘it’s all about will power and attitude’. There is a distinct lack of empathy all around for this extended, weepy version of the new mommy.
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In my therapy practice, I have worked with several mothers who struggle enormously with this new phase in their lives, and this article is a reach-out to all those of you who feel like you’ve been hit by a ten-wheeler while you were out for a stroll. To let you know there are more out there who feel exactly like you do, and a few pointers on how to find yourself again. This is also a must-read for the husbands, families and friends of the overwhelmed new mother.
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1. There is no such thing as a perfect mother or perfect child: Unlike your other projects or ventures, this is a human being we are talking about. A permanent part of your life. You need to accept that, and stop waiting for the ‘project’ to get over so you can get back to your life. Keep loving your child, but don’t wait for the ‘perfect’, guilt-free time to start living your life. Children need a lot, but most of all, they need a happy mother. Your husband needs a happy, relaxed wife. And you owe it yourself to trust the grandma, father or nanny to handle it. To not be critical when they ‘mess up’. Give others a chance to figure it out while you focus on finding your ‘happy’.
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2. Parenting is not an independent journey: you are trying to do too much by yourself. The old adage ‘it takes a village to raise a child’ is true. You alone, or even just you and your husband can’t do it happily or easily. Enlist the help of family, join a mother-toddler group and figure out play dates. The mental shift to make here is to think long-term, and stop having ‘trigger-happy’ reactions to every non-perfect experience your child has. You need help. Yes, you are the mother. But he is the father too. They are the grandparents and aunts and uncles. There is a part of your baby that belongs to them too. Let them own it.
3. Your child is more resilient than you realise: As long as you stay the pivot to your child’s world, the guilt and over-burden will not go away. The first few times you do your own thing, he or she will miss you terribly, will throw tantrums and will become more clingy. But it will become normal and routine soon. It will. That’s how it works for all the children who live in joint families, and for those with working mothers. As soon as your child realizes that you will always come back, they will settle in.
4. Perfectionist parenting is not sustainable: Face the reality that children will continue to need you at two, four, seven and at eleven. Are you really prepared to live in limbo for the next decade or so? If not, then start as you mean to go on. It is healthy for your growing child to see a busy, relaxed, happy mom. A better role model.
5. Don’t be a feminist about parenting: a lot of the angst you spread around has its roots in feminism. The noise in your head has a lot to do with equal involvement from the husband, struggling with the expectations as a mother, from family and society; while trying to ‘find’ yourself again. Let go of that stuff. It is not feminism, it is biology. Women are given the gift of carrying life and bringing it into this world. You are uniquely connected to your child and with that gift, your responsibility is greater. Own it.
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6. Seek professional help: Don’t burden yourself with thoughts of figuring it all out alone, or deny that you are overwhelmed. Postnatal depression is a real thing. Hormonal imbalance likewise. Your relationship with your husband has been changed and stretched irrevocably. Your body has been strained irrevocably. If you are not recovering naturally, there could be a medical reason. Meet your ob-gyn, do some exercise and meditation, find a compassionate therapist to talk it out with. Bottom line is that you are missing the old you, and were unprepared to become someone different. It’s time to stop fighting motherhood and let go of all preconceptions you have about how you should be now. This is how you are as a mother. And what you find impossible to cope with, let those aspects of motherhood ease up. You are a mom, irrespective of anything you do or not. Just love your child to bits and be yourself.
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