It’s a girl! Those three words can change your life. It changed mine.
When my daughter was born, my husband and I were ecstatic. My in-laws were over the moon. My mother in law had always longed for a daughter – she had two boys. The entire extended family descended to rejoice in the first grandchild. I couldn’t be happier.
Pammi aunty from Amritsar arrived to join in the festivities. After looking at my little baby girl she said “Oh! what a cute gora chitta‘ baby“, and then she looks me in the eye and says “Next time ‘munda‘ ho na chahiye. Family complete then“. My jaw just dropped. Did she really say that?
Even the most liberal minds need only a stimulus to start thinking otherwise. That’s when the onslaught of opinions followed. The family who (till five minutes ago) was hailing the girl child, followed it up with “Of course! A son is needed to carry the family name“. I just plastered a smile on my face and listened to it all. This insinuation and snide remarks continued for the next few years. At every family gathering, we were asked when we were going to ‘complete the family’, or when we were ‘going to have a boy to carry our family name forward’.
Back then, societal pressures made me hold my tongue. But now this is what I want to tell her.
Dear Pammi Aunty,
“Pammi aunty, your daughter will get married, look after her house and spouse and come back to stand by you in your hour of need. Your daughter will be your ‘Buddhape ka Sahara’ in more than ways than one. While your son, the one who you’ve spoilt rotten will probably not give you the time of day when you need him the most. Joint families are giving way to nuclear families and just because you have a son, doesn’t mean he will stay with you and “look after” you. Everyone is entitled to their independence including you.
And don’t worry about the journey of your soul to heaven – We have become quite ‘modern these days!’ Girls go for cremations now and they perform all the religious duties and rites in the same way as a son would. Wake up and smell the coffee (or in your case the makhan on the paranthas). Times have changed and so should your 18th-century dimaag“.
What’s with the mindset of Indian parents and relatives? My sister and I were brought up to do everything that a boy could. We have stood by our parents through thick and thin. So why the gender bias? Why is the Indian mentality stuck in the archaic ages where the ‘boy’ was the sole bread-winner and would look after his ailing, aged parents? Take a cursory glance at the newspaper. Heads of banks, heads of MNCs, heads of industries…are all women. And just to make sure to say it in a language you understand, they earn a fat pay packet!
With the skewed male-female ratio in India, if everyone continues thinking about ‘the son’, you do realise that you will not get the ‘sunder bahu‘ you want for your precious son; the one who will bear the grandson to carry on the family name. Quite a vicious cycle isn’t it?! Do you know that as per the Family Court Act, women are no longer compelled to change their surname? So your daughter can still bear your family name. Son or daughter, it doesn’t matter anymore. That’s life, folks!
So Pammi aunty, be the change and if my second born is also a girl, love her and be happy for us as you would have if it had been a boy. Get with the times, aunty!
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