Most of us with kids under sixteen have been parenting in a world filled with tips and gyan on positive parenting, mindful parenting and conscious parenting. We all try to praise our children generously and frequently. But are we praising them right?
The Different Aspects Of Praising:
Most psychological studies and research on this has proven that there are broadly two types of praise – ‘person-driven' and ‘process-driven'.
Person-driven praise generally involves phrases like ‘You are so smart!’ and ‘You are so funny'. This wording should be minimized because, contrary to what it may seem, it actually leads to a challenge-averse mindset in the long run. Your child now believes that she IS smart or funny or pretty, like a fixed fact. So, the first time something doesn’t work out in her favour, say a joke falling flat or a math module she doesn’t grasp easily, chances are she will go into a shell and not try to push past it.
Process-driven praise involves praising the effort, process or behaviour. It is more fluid and changeable. Phrases like “that was a smart answer”, “that joke was hilarious” or “you are looking very pretty today” is the kind of wording that makes up process-driven praise. What this kind of praise does is two-fold – it gives the child a sense of joy and accomplishment for sure, and it also leaves room for him to make mistakes or fail in the future. This brings us to the aspect of criticism.
A sidebar on praise before we discuss criticism is choosing what to praise often and regularly.
Praising aspects which are inborn to the child like their appearance and physical characteristics with enthusiasm and joy, while lukewarming their efforts at art or singing, for example, will only entrench them in a personality that is based on how tall or pretty or fair they are, with little effort towards a growth or success mindset. So observe yourself the next time you give your kid a compliment and then decide how you want to help mould their nature.
The Psychology Of Criticism:
The psychology of criticism is fairly similar to that of praise. Process-driven and not person-driven. Saying ‘You are naughty’ or ‘I am disappointed in you’ or ‘stop being lazy’ may give you short-term results but in the long run, it is helping to create self-talk of ‘I anyway disappoint everyone’ or ‘I am a lazy person so why try’.
Process-driven criticism involves critiquing the process itself. ‘Maybe you could have worked a bit harder on this project’ or ‘that painting looks a bit messy, how do you think it could look neater next time?’ In short, instead of creating shame in the child, you are encouraging a problem-solving attitude. This leads to a personality that keeps striving and improving.
Being mindful of the words we use to praise and correct our children is a key factor in creating adults who are growth-driven rather than fixed-mindset adults. This self-assessment will not only help our children but all our relationships. So let’s be mindful parents and try!
Vaishnavi Venkatraman
Mansi Zaveri
Janani S Koushik
Rohan Vyavaharkar
