Dr Daniel Siegel, a renowned psychiatrist and author who specializes in child development and neuroscience, has popularised the phrase “connection before correction.” This means that before we try to discipline our children, we need to focus on building a strong bond with them.
When my son Aniket was around fourteen, we started drifting apart. We would have slanging matches daily. We never seemed to agree on any topic – his hairstyle, his way of dressing, the way he speeded on his moped, the fact that he never wore a helmet, his choice of friends et al.
Almost every day there was a skirmish and try as I might I was just not able to do improve the situation.
When Aniket was in 9th, I came to know there was an all-India case study competition sponsored by an institution in Delhi. The top two teams would be sponsored for a two-week trip to Oxford University.
With the help of Aniket’s teacher, we chose a topic and got busy. We worked together for more than a month. I helped out Aniket as much as I could and really enjoyed the process. The project had brought us together like nothing else during the last few years.
Aniket went to Delhi and put up a good show. Unfortunately, though his project was highly appreciated he came third. I was deeply disappointed because he had truly worked hard. Later I came to know that the Chief Guest was representing a World Peace Trust and presentations of the two schools which had been adjudged the best had been on this theme. It was obvious that the Chief Guest’s area of expertise had influenced the jury.
I thought quite a bit, marshalled my arguments and spoke to the director of the institution. “Ma’am, among the top three projects Aniket’s was the only one which was different. While the other schools focussed more on research, Aniket presented an entirely new paradigm based on a fresh formula. Besides, while the other schools had three members each – his was a team of just one. I am not asking for any favour. I am only asking for justice. The proclivity or the position of the Chief Guest should not decide the result of the competition.”
She heard me out patiently and said she would think about it.
A week later I got an email saying that Aniket had been given a special prize and would also be sent to Oxford. We were all delighted, most of all yours truly.
After around six months Aniket and I had a major fight. “You are not concentrating enough on your studies and are always getting distracted. At this rate, you won’t be able to get into a good engineering college.”
“If you have already passed judgement then I have nothing to say. Anyways, your favourite pastime is to criticize me. You don’t care about my feelings and you don’t love me,” he shot back.
I lashed out
“You are such an ungrateful person. Do you realise that without my help you wouldn’t have gone anywhere near Oxford?”
Tears sprang up in Aniket’s eyes and he started crying. I can’t describe how terrible I felt. I realised the appalling blunder I had committed. I reached out, grabbed him, gave him a hug and apologized to him for saying such a mean thing.
I think that gesture on my part to apologise immediately and so freely took him by surprise and he hugged me back.
This incident resolved the anger and the angst we were feeling. It smoothened most of the wrinkles and we were on the way to becoming buddies once again.
I would like to conclude by saying that in our mindless pursuit of getting the best out of our kids, we drive a wedge, and create schisms which are sometimes impossible to bridge.
While we need to put in the best efforts towards making our children achieve excellence it should not be at the cost of mutual love, respect and empathy. Creating a bond, and building trust should always precede chiselling character or carving a career.
As L.R. Knost, award-winning author says, “Sometimes parents get so caught up in ‘fixing’ their children that all that they see are problems. Why not try getting to know them before you try to change them? You might be surprised at what cool little people they already are.” Touche!
Jyotika Bedi
KSP Team
Mansi Zaveri
Tanya Lemos
Rushita Sheth
