Fears parents need to let go off to raise fearless children

Article on the fears faced by adults and how that could affect the upbringing of a child.
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This article is contributed by Priyanka Bakhru Talwar for Kidsstoppress.com.
Priyanka Bakhru Talwar spent 11 years in the corporate world after her MBA, and in her last profile, she headed
 marketing for Vogue and Conde Nast Traveler. Around 5 years back, she became interested in metaphysics and psychology, and the adventure that followed has resulted in her new and permanent avatar as a counselor and clinical hypnotherapist. She specialises in relationship and inner child therapies, and is currently pursuing a Masters in Psychology. She dabbles in photography, all ancient and alternative healing arts and cooking; and is passionate about travel and new experiences.

The legacy of fears and limiting beliefs­

Today we talk about the fears that hold us back, and how to prevent them from passing on to our children. It goes without saying that all parents want their children to be as confident and free spirited as possible. But our own deeply held insecurities and fears sometimes shape their personality, not through what we say to them, but how we behave around them. Always remember that children do what you do far more than they do what you say.

 Listed below are the top four emotional fears most adults face, how they get formed and what we can change in our parenting style to free our kids from facing them.

 Fear of what other people think
Especially in India, social perception is the largest motivation for our behavior. Whether you are a conformist or a rebel personality, it is still defined basis other people. All children care about is what their parents and family think and feel. But the more they observe how much parents care about social perception, the more aware they become of its importance. And over time, what people think becomes one of the most deeply held barriers to growth. It stops us from exploring new things, from speaking up, from listening to our hearts and our passions.
The trick is to behave consistently when you’re with your child, irrespective of others being around. Be with your child, rather than showing others the kind of parent you are. If you’re easy about manners at home, don’t suddenly start insisting on pleases and thank yous outside. If you’re the cluttery sort, avoid rushing around with a manic clean-up because some one is dropping in. Children need to learn that it’s important to be neat and to be polite, not that they must put up a front with outsiders!

Fear of failure
This is so huge and so deeply ingrained in a lot of us. Fear of failure is created by highlighting safety over trying. Doing what you are good at versus trying to get good at what you love. Winning and succeeding versus enjoying yourself and learning. And it starts with impatient and protective parenting. When your toddler first starts trying to do things on his own, how you respond defines his risk-taking ability for life. ‘No no, not like that’ or ‘We don’t have time, let me do it’ or ‘Don’t try, you’ll break it’ or ‘I’ll show you how to do it correctly’!!! Let them be…watch, be ready to jump in if physical safety is needed, but give them the space to figure things out. Reward and praise the attempt, not the result. We’d rather sculpt adults who love learning as opposed to those who avoid things they don’t know!

 Fear of being alone
So many of our relationships are based on this subconscious fear. We make compromises because the idea of being on our own is petrifying…this impacts our choice of friends, choice of partner, allowing disrespect, even abuse…all because we are afraid of being alone. And sadly, this fear is the result of overprotective, over indulgent parenting. Yes, the world we live in today is dangerous and yes, our children need protection; but you must realize that you also need to arm your children with self-reliance and an ‘I can’ attitude. Let them play on their own awhile, let them make mistakes, give them assistive tasks around the house and room to accomplish them. Stop telling them that this is dangerous, that is scary, they are small, that they can’t! Again, watch over them, find other ways to keep a check, and deal with your own irrational fears. Allow them to make friends with themselves so their adult choices are wholesome and not based on fears. They’ll thank you for it.

Fear of being disliked/unloved
If you are the kind of person who goes out of their way to please people, then this is your deeply held fear…that if you stop doing things for others, if you ever say no, you won’t be liked or loved. But it’s just not true…love is about the person you are, not what you do! And if you interlink the two, then your relationships will always be lopsided and the fear will never go away. The genesis of this belief comes from parents who withdraw their love every time a child does something against their wishes. Throwing a tantrum, not finishing their food, not studying etc. Subconsciously, parents know that love and approval is the final control mechanism, so it gets used(Read more about that here). But the thing is, it isn’t true. You will continue to love your kids unconditionally. So let them know that. Use other techniques…logic, patience, support members, letting go…but please don’t use love as a reward for performance. Your children will face rejection, self-doubt and challenges enough as adults, let their foundation be a firm belief that they are loved by you, no matter what!

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