How being a Dad influences your child’s life

This article is contributed by Priyanka Bakhru Talwar for Kidsstoppress.com.
Priyanka Bakhru Talwar spent 11 years in the corporate world after her MBA, and in her last profile, she headed marketing for Vogue and Conde Nast Traveler. Around 5 years back, she became interested in metaphysics and psychology, and the adventure that followed has resulted in her new and permanent avatar as a counselor and clinical hypnotherapist. She specialises in relationship and inner child therapies, and is currently pursuing a Masters in Psychology. She dabbles in photography, all ancient and alternative healing arts and cooking; and is passionate about travel and new experiences.

The importance of being Daddy

Counselor and therapist Priyanka Bakhru Talwar highlights the specific areas of development that are shaped by fathers

Before I even begin talking about this subject, here’s a statutory warning to both genders. Yes, you both love your kids; and they are equal parts each of you. Nature however, has chosen the mother to be in charge for the few years. It’s purely chemical, biological and psychological. The baby needs its mother the most. The father has to work at it. The father’s role in the primary years is one of support…emotionally to the mother of his child, financially, and operationally to help handle the changes. Over the years, this balances out, as the baby grows into a toddler and soon a child with his or her own relationships. So if care giving and nurturing comes naturally to you, go for it…but if you feel out of your element and a complete klutz, that’s normal too. You have a long time to grow into your role, and more importantly, you need to focus on what your actual responsibility is.

In the story of your child’s life for all her adult years, there are two immensely important areas where you will forever influence her life.

1. His/her outward persona – To some extent this is true for all children, but most essential for the first born or only child. And this is how the psychology works. In the first few years, all the kids really want is time and attention from their moms. And they are really selfish and demanding about this. In their eyes, the main rival for this is you, dear daddy! Because whenever you are around, mom is either talking to you, or goes away somewhere with you or is doing something for you! So over the years, the subconscious mind of the child learns that if mom loves you and gives you attention, you must be really cool! And thus, hero worship and emulating Papa begins. Doing what you do, talking like you and being influenced by your behavior, especially how you behave in social situations. Children of reticent, quiet or self-conscious Dads tend to be the same, while kids of affectionate or outspoken dads will be likewise. So be the person you would want your kid to be, and know that he is always watching you.

2. His/her relationships – As your kids grow and start to understand adult relationships, their view of gender roles, expectations and interactions completely depends on your attitudes and behaviours as a father. And this is how it works in a child’s developing psyche. Remember, mom is their world, to begin with. At the toddler stage, kids love who their mother loves, and they love who makes their mother happy. It’s that simple and that difficult! And the reality is that most caregivers in a small child’s life tend to be women…the mom, grandmoms, nanny, teachers etc. You, Daddy, are the almost sole representative of the entire male species for the formative years; regardless of the child’s gender. As the child grows into a teenager, your become the boy’s role model for his personality, and the girl’s ideology for all men. Boys don’t cook, girls don’t play football will be decided by your attitudes. This doesn’t mean you need to cook if you don’t want to, it simply means making it a non-issue by your attitude. Making it personality based rather than gender based. Saying, “I don’t enjoy it, mom is so talented at itâ€_x009d_ vs. implying that “Women are supposed to do it, men are notâ€_x009d_. And most pivotal, your relationship with the mother of your child and how you treat her will lay the foundation for how your children behave in their long-term relationships. And what their vision of commitment is. Let’s give an extreme example – the two of you argue frequently and loudly and maybe that is how it’s always been; but for your small child,  her reality is seeing you argue with her mother. There is no rationality on the topic at hand, or the rights and wrongs of the issue. There is only the emotion of you upsetting his little world with his mother. So, over time, this forms into a belief that men and women are opposites, or that love means disharmony. Depending on the extent of the problems, it could form an addiction to drama or commitment phobia.

 A milder example would the level of affection displayed. If you are easy about physical display of affection with your partner, holding hands, hugs etc., your child will tend towards being easy and comfortable as well. If, however, you are wary and self-conscious when he or others are around, then the child grows up seeing the dissonance and over time, learns to curb and suppress his natural instinct to give affection and comfort. Because she didn’t grow up seeing it around her, it isn’t normal for her!

Bottom-line is that you are the parent who creates perceptions and beliefs on outward and inter-personal behavior and relationships. You are the differentiating factor. You, daddy, are the pivotal example of the world your child is growing up into. Be mindful of that. Be a mindful parent!!

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