“I Did Everything To Please Them & Fit In. But…”: A Teen’s Struggle

What I realised last year was that this behaviour was toxic.  I am allowing these people to constantly make me unhappy while I try to do everything I can to please them and fit in. Even after doing everything under the sky to please them, why did they still not like me? 
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teen fitting in peer pressure

This article (A Teen’s Struggle) has been written in collaboration with 14-year-old Aarna Vadhera (@_.aarnavadhera._)

The pressure to fit in starts the moment we arrive in this world. The fear of being excluded and disappointing the people around us has always been in our minds, which is why a child will do anything to grab their parents’ attention and never repeat their behaviour when they get scolded. 

When we start going to school, it becomes our second home.

As a child who used to move schools every two years, I had become a pro in tricking everyone to believe I had been in that school forever.

I know it is wrong to become someone you are not, but I was scared of a little girl who never allowed her own personality to develop. 

I would pick up on the accent of the kids, the kind of clothes they would wear, and what conversations they would have and constantly alter my behaviour. People may wonder, why would one put in so much effort to fit in, I was unable to realise I was doing so many things unconsciously. I would adapt to a new environment in a day’s time; 3 days tops. 

What I realised last year was that this behaviour was toxic.  I was allowing these people to constantly make me unhappy while I was trying to everything I could to please them and fit in. Even after doing everything under the sky to please them, why did they still not like me? 

The issue was with them, not me. Not saying that they were horrible people, they were just the wrong friend group for me. Do you remember when we were younger, there used to be this toy where you had to put the correct shapes through the right cut-out in the box? Let’s say we are a part of that game.

If I am a triangle block, why should I try to fit into the circle cut out? 

At one point in time, I felt like I was going to be alone forever because I fought with the 3 girls I used to hang out with at all times. While I was sitting in a corner of the school sobbing, the other girls who I had never spoken to came to comfort me. That was the day I realised there are 8 billion people in the world. Who cares if 10 people don’t like me? I will find other people who understand me better.

I have had some of the most fruitful conversations with those girls that I would have never had with my old friends. 

Around a year back, my whole friend group fell apart, again. Before we became friends, I did everything to get close to them and behaved exactly like them. I did not realise this back then, but I had outgrown their conversations and behaviour. No matter what I would try to do to make them happy, someone had to have a problem.

That group of people pleasers, would agree with each other on everything even if they were wrong because of the fear of being excluded.

With a lot of mean and hateful comments from those people, I finally understood that not everyone will like me so might as well just do what I want to. 

Now I know that I should do what I like because I am living for myself and not for them and that I will always find people who like me for me. 

6 Things Helped Me Navigating the Pressures of Peer Acceptance

Affirm 

Tell yourself at least five times a day, “I am enough. If this situation is not working for me it is only a small drawback for me to move forward.” By repeating this statement, our mind registers it and that is how we handle our everyday situations. This can be done anytime during the day. The mind is calm and most efficient the first 2 hours that we wake up. Grab a journal and write the affirmation down every day and write your gratitude for all the other great things in your life; it could be anything no matter how big or small it is. Our thoughts in the mornings set the intention for the rest of the day. Instead of scrolling through Instagram reels where everyone has depression, journal and appreciate how beautiful your life is. 

Break It Down 

Sometimes even after affirming, we do not know what to do in a particular situation. Keep a journal or write in your notes app about your whole day. Now list the times you didn’t say what you wanted to or changed your opinion due to the fear of offending the other person. Think about what you would do differently in a scenario like that if it were to get repeated.

Let’s say you were in a great mood in the morning and were certain you wouldn’t let people step over you, but right in that moment the mean kid comes to you, passes a mean comment and runs away. Go write down what they said and write down what they said. Now write down why you didn’t say anything back or stop them and how it can be avoided. Maybe say something mean back or avoid them at all times. Set boundaries for everything that is bothering you. 

Cloak The Fear

Most of us tend to get scared and freeze up when the moment arrives. Cloak the fear completely from your mind. Our thoughts are a reflection of the world around us. Our minds are sometimes incapable of telling the difference between dreams and reality. If we get our minds to believe what we want it to believe, it would think it is the reality and we would become the fearless person that we are. Instead of telling yourself you’re not as fearless, make up a story about how you are the strongest, most fearless person ever! If we believe our own crazy story, the people around us will start to believe that story as well and will no longer think they are superior to you because they are not! 

Learn To Differentiate

teen girls laughing

Why does their opinion matter? Are they your friend? Not everyone’s your friend. There are friends and there are acquaintances. The people who you say hi and bye to are your acquaintances. The people who will genuinely be there for you are your friends. If you can be yourself around them without having the fear of being judged, they stay by your side when times get rough, and you can sit in silence without it getting awkward. They are your friends.

Eliminate

Would you want to live the life of the person whom you seek validation from? Not their life on the surface, their actual life, created by them and their own personal decisions. Is the person who’s telling you to change yourself really worth the amount of energy you’re wasting on them? If you wouldn’t want to be in the other person’s shoes, there is no need for you to try to live up to their expectations. Your only competition is you. Eliminate all the people who do not respect you or your boundaries. Their negative thoughts are time-consuming and energy-draining. Who knows, maybe your insecurity or something the other people are telling you is not nice about you could land you a huge career one day. Kylie Jenner started her business off her insecurity about her lips. 

Find The Right Ones For You

There are all kinds of people all around us, we just have to look around to find the right ones for us. If you like a particular music artist and the other person doesn’t, don’t stop liking that band because you want to be friends with them. The right friend group will like you despite your differences. There are 8 billion people, you can’t expect each person to be identical to the other, that’s what makes everyone unique. If you like to dance, join that dance class without worrying about others not liking you or thinking you’re weird.

I love meditation and healing. My old friend group used to think it was weird until it became a trend and they all started wearing crystals. Even though they were toxic and were very mean to me, I found some great people who were a lot more fun than those people.

When we find the right set of people, conversations are more enjoyable and fruitful. Once we find the right people, we no longer try to fit into the wrong space. 

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