“I Didn’t Meet My 2 Children”: #MyBirthingStory

Every mom is different and so is her birthing story.

Some of us have it really easy while some of us fight against all odds to cross a tough barrier. The end result is a bundle of joy that turns our life upside down and thus begins one's motherhood journey! 

We, as moms at Kidsstoppress, have discussed over each other's unique parenting journey, how we fought the odds and the daily joys and struggles. Each one of our stories is different and that's when it struck us- that moms around us have more inspiring stories to tell this world. And that's what inspired us to start this series, in association with Merries India where we #KeepItReal by connecting with moms and bring you their birthing stories and how they stayed strong through their journey.

Kickstarting this series is this soul-stirring conversation we had with Fazaa Shroff who tells us her real and shocking story of how she prepared her mind to meet 4 delightful babies and how she ended up meeting only 2 of them. A lot of moms showered their love to Fazaa, when they heard her story on our Instagram page and told us they could relate to the hardships she has gone through. An eye-opener for many of us- that simply tells us, that you can never be prepared enough for the parenting experience. 

Here's Fazaa's experience: 

Not once did I think, why me? I never doubted this option. I knew I had PCOD since I was 15, but when I was told that this could lead to fertility issues, I just did what I had to – without any regrets.

I always thought of myself as a person who was very well informed about everything- from conception to pregnancy, to delivery, raising children, illnesses, medical stuff – but life has taught me that no amount of reading or advice can tell you what parenting and life have in store for you.

It's amazing that we come from a culture where we have larger-than-life families where you feel everyone is happy living together, but somehow fertility is just not a welcoming conversation and that's extremely heartbreaking. We just don't know how to break the ice when it comes to a topic as serious as this and how to garner the support we desperately need. I started with convincing my husband that it was time to have babies but never found the courage to tell my in-laws until I was done with the procedure. 

Why is that? Even though we live in such a progressive society today, I believe that these techniques are frowned upon, talked about at length and is considered a taboo – most importantly, considered unnatural. I had my own fears if I would receive the required love and strength, especially when the doctor told me that IUI only has 33% chances of getting pregnant. 

And boom. I was pregnant in one go. That too with Quadruplets. It was extremely shocking for me and my husband because unlike other families, I had pushed hard for the IUI procedure as I felt that it was indeed the right time for us to have babies. 

At first, I was very excited about this big fat family, but as reality dawned upon me I knew I could never carry all of them. Especially with my condition. And the next was the reduction procedure. I waited until the 12th week for this, hoping that the fetus would miscarry itself. 

 You never know about the heartbreaks of pregnancies because nobody talks about it. But I have to talk about the reduction procedure because it is the toughest decision of my life. I was wide awake, we spotted the fetus in the sonography, the doctor inserted the syringe and injected potassium chloride and everything was over. Within a few a seconds, the heart stopped beating and from having 4, I was left with 2. I kept thinking 'Should I have fought against all odds?' 'Should I have waited for that miracle?' The questions were endless. 

It's not that I was allowed to pick which foetuses to let go, didn't know the future possibilities for them, didn't know the sex, didn't know if they were healthier than the others – I had to let go just based on which one was the easiest to reach to.

It was undoubtedly the toughest decision of my life and I have never come to terms with it. 

It is hard to be ‘emotionally strong’ with rising hormones and other complications. Nausea in the first trimester, an easy 2nd trimester and an unforgettable 3rd. The mouth of the cervix opened in my 24th week. Again, on bed rest for the rest of the term, I was still dealing with my 2 babies who I would never see again. I got a disease called 'Pups' and I broke into hives all over my body and it itched like crazy. Combined with this, I had another friend Cholestasis – which spread toxins in the liver. With no right treatment advised, I also took 2 injections one after the other to help my twins develop their lungs. I lost the mucal plug at 35 weeks and I had to go for an emergency C-section. I had a spinal block which didn't allow me to sit up straight and I was also allergic to all the painkillers – and I broke into hives once again. Was the tough part over? 

Today, when my kids jump up in bed and cuddle with me, sometimes, I think, 'what if there were 4?' I think of the time that I restlessly waited until the 12th week before my reduction procedure, hoping that the 2 foetuses miscarried itself & I didn't have to make this choice. Was it the right choice? I had to be a mother without being one and choose the health and future possibilities for 2 "healthy" babies over the others. 

I would like to say: 'I had an IUI and I delivered my children with my eggs, my husband's sperm, my genetic material, I carried them, delivered them, I fed them" – but people will still ask you ridiculous questions like "Did you conceive them naturally" Assistance reproduction is as natural as the conventional method is and we shouldn't shy away from it. At the end of the day- it is YOUR child and YOU are the mother- no matter how you reached there. 

Mommies- write into and share your birthing stories with us. Remember- it is the support and inspiration that each of us shares, that helps fellow moms in their parenting journey. Go ahead share your stories with us in the comments below or reach out to us on our Instagram handle. We love to help in #simplifyingparenting and this way- with each other's true stories, we strive to #KeepItReal.