I stopped using love as the carrot to shape or discipline my kid, says Priyanka Bakhru

Translation, the emotions that made us feel warm and loved versus those that made us feel unloved, scared or guilty. And a lot of times, love was expressed when we performed to expectations and made our moms and dads proud. If you observe your child closely, you will realize that your love is the anchor against which the child tests everything and shapes herself and her personality. Because I was giving her a clear signal that, no matter whether she felt like it or not, if she didnt please me, I would withdraw my love. Just make sure that your childs need for your love is not something you use regularly to control him. Even more important than the things you withdraw you love for, are the behaviours you reward with love and delight. Because your pleasure and love makes them feel so good. Over time, I became an adult who believed others opinions were so important to feeling loved; maybe even at the cost of what I really wanted to do or be. Take a step back here and think, do you believe that love for your children is conditional, or unconditional? So children grow up conforming completely, or purposely become rebellious and bad to test the limits of the loveDont let love be the carrot or the stick you use to shape or control your child.
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This article is contributed by Priyanka Bakhru Talwar for Kidsstoppress.com. Priyanka Bakhru Talwar spent 11 years in the corporate world after her MBA, and in her last profile, she headed marketing for Vogue and Conde Nast Traveler. Around 5 years back, she became interested in metaphysics and psychology, and the adventure that followed has resulted in her new and permanent avatar as a counselor and clinical hypnotherapist. She specialises in relationship and inner child therapies, and is currently pursuing a Masters in Psychology. She dabbles in photography, all ancient and alternative healing arts and cooking; and is passionate about travel and new experiences.

Forget for a minute that you are a mom or dad. Forget that you are a husband or a wife or a professional or an artist. Forget the labels and the tags. Now think back to the story of your life. What did you really want as a child? What did you really yearn for as a teenager? What feelings gave you your happiest memories? And your saddest?

For most of us, those feelings were approval, loyalty, appreciation, pride…from our parents. Or disapproval, anger, withdrawal…from our parents. Translation, the emotions that made us feel warm and loved versus those that made us feel unloved, scared or guilty.

The story of life is a story about love. For all of us. No matter how old we get. We just get better at hiding, at defending our needs and our insecurities. And over time, we forget that we needed that approval that hug, that loyalty. But it’s still there, deeply embedded in our subconscious mind.

Except that for children, up until the teenage years, the emotions are not subconscious, not hidden. They are right out there, that’s really all they feel. And that’s what all parents need to always keep in mind. The fact that children are beings of emotion and energy! It will change how you see their behaviour, and more importantly, it will change how you deal with them.

Most of us were products of the authoritative era of parenting. Children must be well behaved. Children must be well mannered. Children must be good. And a lot of times, love was expressed when we performed to expectations and made our moms and dads ‘proud’. Or it was withheld when we ‘threw a tantrum’. So we learnt to suppress our reactions and our moods, and over the years, this became personality. To ‘put up a happy, brave front’. Because all we wanted was love and approval. And behaving as per our families’ wishes gave us that love.

If you observe your child closely, you will realize that your love is the anchor against which the child tests everything and shapes herself and her personality. And that is a fine thing, as long as you don’t abuse that power, even unknowingly. For example, one of the biggest daily battles in the life of a mother is meal times. With my two year old, it is usually a combination of innovative cooking, camouflaging nutritious elements, cajoling and distraction. Some days it works, some days it doesn’t. There was a phase when the mom in me took over completely from the therapist, and I walked away after telling her that Mama was very angry that she wasn’t finishing her food. And it worked. She ate. But I felt terrible.

What exactly was I trying to accomplish? Yes, a full stomach and good physical growth is important; but do you really know any adult who hasn’t learnt to eat well? That will happen anyway, either at 2 or 4 or 8 years. But the potential for harm is so much greater. Because I was giving her a clear signal that, no matter whether she felt like it or not, if she didn’t please me, I would withdraw my love. A footnote here is that beliefs form with consistently repetitive behaviour, so don’t beat yourself up for that one-off reaction. Just make sure that your child’s need for your love is not something you use regularly to control him. And what are the alternatives, would be the next critical point. You could ask what he wants to eat in advance, giving a few options to choose from. You could shift the mealtime to a later slot when he is genuinely hungry. You could explain at a later time how important it is to eat well and grow strong. You could even let it go a couple of times and let him understand his own hunger! The key is your mood and attitude. Mindful and calm versus the frustration and panic! The message is about consistent love and a positive association with food. Not ‘I must eat to get love’. That would be ridiculous, right?

Even more important than the things you withdraw you love for, are the behaviours you reward with love and delight. Those are the ones children will repeat and repeat till they become nature. Because your pleasure and love makes them feel so good. So think through your own triggers and insecurities. I remember my parents feeling really delighted when other people would praise their daughter. In my presence, they would talk proudly about how so and so said my performance was amazing, I was so well spoken etc. etc. And yes, it shaped me. Over time, I became an adult who believed others’ opinions were so important to feeling loved; maybe even at the cost of what I really wanted to do or be.

Take a step back here and think, do you believe that love for your children is conditional, or unconditional? Of course, the latter! But did we believe that as kids? That our parents would love us, no matter what we did or didn’t do? Nope! Because they didn’t let us know that. Our entire society is based on the premise that one has to please to be lovable, do the right things, be good. And it starts with the mom and dad. So children grow up conforming completely, or purposely become rebellious and ‘bad’ to test the limits of the love

Don’t’ let love be the carrot or the stick you use to shape or control your child. Use logic. Use consequence. Use patience. Use repetition. Let some things go. Let it be about your child emerging into who she wants to be. Not about being a reflection of you. Or an extension of you. Or to fulfill your dreams.

Let the knowledge that they are loved be the foundation for creating secure adults! 

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