Lessons From My Dad That I Want To Teach My Son

I got asked what lessons I learnt from my father that I would pass on to my children. I had to think for a bit.

I am sure I learnt a lot… good, bad and ugly but I had never really reflected on the lessons. They were just part of my being and I had just somehow imbibed them into how I did things. Sometimes I learnt directly from him, and at other times just watching him. 

As I rewind the clock back, my fondest memories of my family and my time in India remain the huge family meals hosted by my grandparents; the joy, the love, the laughter…. And most of all my dad at those events. With an extended family of 30+ people that lived in the same city, it was only natural that we would meet often and celebrate together as a family-be it festivals, birthdays, weddings or other occasions, we all came together as one big unit. 

It was rare that all members of the family weren’t at those celebrations and it was rare that my father wasn’t at the centre of those celebrations. What stood out for me? Papa didn’t try too hard to be the centre of the conversations; it came naturally to him. He is gifted with an amazing sense of humour and knew how to have the audience in stitches with just a few witty quips – it didn’t take much. But, more importantly, he knew how to have a good time…it probably came from his father, but papa took it to another level and made it his own. It showed well; papa was well-liked and popular in family and friend circles. 

I don’t necessarily want Kian to hog the limelight or always want to be the centre of attention, but I do want him to learn from his grandfather, to develop a sense of humour and understand the kind of influence that has on people. It can also change his own perspective and attitude to life. More importantly, I want him to understand that life is tough for everyone but it is how you approach it that makes a difference. 

Just like Papa, if you approach it with a smile, with some humour and wit, it will benefit you (and those around you) in the long run. What Papa’s humour also did was keep us shielded – his love of life, his joy, his smile never let us realize or know what, if anything, was wrong behind the scenes. We were none the wiser; we just never knew because we thought it was all fun and games… it was all funny!

And so, today, just like Papa, when I return home, I want to leave my work, my tiredness and stresses from the offices outside the house. I am not gifted with the same sense of humour, but try to approach life in a similar positive manner so as to appreciate the good things and enjoy my moments to the fullest. I want my children to be able to do the same.

Counter to Papa’s humour is his temper. This somehow I did inherit and I hope that my kids never do. As kids, we never wanted to cross Papa for fear of what we might do to anger him. I saw him get angry sometimes at the smallest of instances while working, while driving, just while going through life. And so, while he enjoyed life, he also let himself get annoyed and angry at little things – and when he was angry, he let it be known. In a way, it kept us in check and made sure we didn’t misbehave.  But I don’t know if that was the right way to do it. I remember a friend of mine, who was afraid to call the house because if my dad picked up the phone, he didn’t know what he would get, or so he quipped.  And so, while some degree of irritation or anger is justified – we are human after all – I never want my kids to tip toe around me, or more importantly to have anger as a regular emotion in their arsenal. 

Lastly, and probably most importantly, I want to pass on to my kids the lessons of hard work and perseverance that I picked up from Papa. My grandfather once told me a story about how Papa would walk for miles, through mud and muck, through pouring rain, just to make it to the office early every morning, to open the office and ensure business continued. These were the early days of our fledgling family business and laziness or a lack of perseverance could have easily meant that the business went one way rather than the other. But Papa didn’t let it happen. Why did he walk every morning? Why did he endure the rain? 

Well, my grandfather said, ‘you see, we didn’t have a lot of money. So if your Papa walked and went early, it meant I could go a bit later, and probably take the bus. It also meant that he was there early enough in the building to show people around that we were open for business.’  

Those were the early days; as the business grew and customers were signed up, Papa took on long travels to the US and Latin America –sometimes for months on end…Why?  Because, he was committed to the business, to ensuring its growth, but more importantly for ensuring that his family was taken care of and provided for. In everything he did, he kept his family at the centre, even if he was not always physically around.    

I have grumbled my way through jobs and often complained about how much I have to work, how long my hours are and how little I get paid. Papa usually listens; he never told me his stories or talked about his struggles. 

All he says is, “this is your age to work hard. Put in your best effort and you will be rewarded accordingly. If you don’t like what you do, then find something else but work hard because that is the way to success.”

I believe that we learn from each generation, and that’s how we get better. I feel like I have watched and learnt from my father and his father. Accordingly, I would like Kian and his sibling to do the same. I will be pleased if they pick out the best of all worlds, but most importantly don’t forget key lessons from their grandfather which got us all here…and hopefully takes them further too. After all, if history does repeat itself, then it is the people who make that history…I would like the history of humour, happiness and laughter at those large family gatherings to repeat, and for my kids to have picked up the traits to make those happen.

 Thank you, Papa, for everything you have done for us – I don’t think we say it enough!