Parents: Should You Choose Your Child’s Friends?

Remember that moment when you held your baby for the first time. Along with suddenly turning into a parent, you were smacked with the responsibility of another human being. You chose between cloth and disposable diapers, between breastfeeding and formula, between steel and BPA free plastic…at every stage of that little person’s life – you made a choice.

Thinking about peer influence

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This rang in my ears especially loudly when this past week my four-year-old son said a bad word. I did a double-take and asked him what he said. He just shrugged and repeated his sentence like it was nothing out of the ordinary. Hit with the word again, I asked him if he knew what he was saying was wrong and a bad word. He shrugged again and said A (his best friend at school) says it all the time.

Now I had two choices – I could either teach my child that this was inappropriate language or I could complain to the teacher and/or A’s parents about the language. I chose the former and let the matter rest.

Years ago when questioned in a school interview whether I would influence the friends my child would make I remember not even thinking about it twice. Because at that moment I wasn’t having discussions with older moms on how do we raise responsible kids, kids with values, kids who will learn to be safe, and I was definitely not going into overdrive wondering how to protect my kids against the early influence of drinking, smoking, and drugs.

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Now that these conversations have become common every time I meet other moms, I am transported back to my college days when I realise the huge role my peers and friends played in shaping the person I am today. A perfect peer group was so important in everything I did – whether it was choosing to study together or taking permission from parents to stay out late. I cannot emphasize enough the importance of my friends in my life and now I find myself wishing and hoping my child makes the same choices.

Should we influence our child’s choices? 

Should I influence my child when it comes to making friends? Yes, of course, I will! I will want to know who they are, their parents, their values, and the will they have to live life. In today’s times when kids are exposed early on to social media, gruesome news on television, images of smoking, drinking, drugs – I will, without being too nosy, want to know who my child is hanging out with and what they are up to.

Back in the day, I remember hanging out with my friends daily and I realise today that they helped me build trust in relationships, build the faith that someone had my back and even helped me learn to value relationships and people. From each and every one of my friends, I learnt something new – the will to learn and to study, to compete, to respect, and even to take critical feedback! All very important lessons for life!

As parents when we choose schools we often wonder who their peer group will be and the role these friends will play in shaping their formative years. Our kids today grow up with friends from school, classes, sports classes and family friends and at every step, there is always that one kid who has more and our kids will need to find a ground of their own even among friends who may be more or less privileged. They are social skills that will help our children judge people by their values, personality, individuality and not their cars or preferred holiday destination.

Let’s drop the act!

So this Friendship Day, as parents let’s drop the charade. Let us own up to being nosy and picky and choosy and understand that when we choose every single thing for our little babies, isn’t it our prerogative as parents to worry about the ‘friends’ our child makes? You will not be able to shadow them all along but as parents, it will be imperative to guide them because as parents it hurts us more when kids fall than it actually hurts them.

We will monitor who they hang out with, and who they are fraternizing with at school, playgrounds, tuitions, play dates. Remember most people make friends for life and with children growing up, they will spend more and more time with their friends.

Let’s pledge to raise our child wisely and hopefully be able to choose their friends too!