Raising Two Kids. Mistakes All Parents Make.

This article is contributed by Priyanka Bakhru Talwar for Kidsstoppress.com. Priyanka Bakhru Talwar spent 11 years in the corporate world after her MBA, and in her last profile, she headed marketing for Vogue and Conde Nast Traveler. Around 5 years back, she became interested in metaphysics and psychology, and the adventure that followed has resulted in her new and permanent avatar as a counselor and clinical hypnotherapist. She specialises in relationship and inner child therapies, and is currently pursuing a Masters in Psychology. She dabbles in photography, all ancient and alternative healing arts and cooking; and is passionate about travel and new experiences. Don’t forget to follow us on Facebook, Twitter & Instagram or subscribe to our Youtube Channel for more information. Parents worry about the impact of having a second child on their precious firstborn. Subsequently, balancing the relationship between siblings and balancing the task of parenting two or more kids becomes a perpetual story of trial, error, guilt and of course enormous rewards. Most of us try to be sensitive and supportive of the ‘dethronement’ complex of the first child when the next comes along. While this is critical in the beginning, unfortunately it becomes a habit that defines the family dynamics. Most families of four plus members tend to oscillate between two extremes – either the older sibling is the king, with the younger having to pay homage and play second fiddle; or the younger one stays frozen in a forever state of ‘babyhood’ with the older one having to prematurely take on the mantle of third parent, be understanding and teach and babysit and give up childhood too soon. There is an entire body of psychological study and research that highlights how birth order impacts personality. Firstborns will tend to be perfectionists, goal oriented, achievers and usually conventional adults, with authority and control as their personality tools. Second born kids are usually competitive, charming, creative and quite often street smart, with a tendency to assert their independence at the drop of a hat, while at the same time feeling sorry for themselves quite often. This changes, however if there is a third or fourth child in the mix. The development of these traits is almost entirely an organic function of a conventional family unit, and has very little to do with how you, as parents, handle the two children. So please relax about the very normal changes that you notice in the older child’s behavior when the next one comes into your family. The other big emotion that you need to avoid is guilt at not doing enough for the second child. Most parents I talk to on this subject, express guilt at how little they do for the second one in comparison to the obsession they had for the first child in the formative years. Not enough together time, not enough classes and activities, not enough paranoia every time he/she sneezes! Please be kinder to yourselves, your younger child does not know or care. Also, you are a more experienced parent this time so it is only natural that you will be more relaxed. It is normal. Having established these two facts, here are some tips on finding balance and ensuring a more loving, well-rounded family environment with two kids:

1. Don’t compare

Image Source: indraneilbose.com After the younger child turns three, stop excusing her behavior as that of a baby. This is a false conditioning in your head because you constantly see an older child in comparison. With an only child or the first child, you expected a whole lot by the time they were three. Do the same for the younger one. See them as equal individuals, pay attention to their unique personalities. Even if you compare them in your head, do not express comparisons in front of your children.

2. Don’t club them together all the time

Image Source: www.funniestmemes.com While family time all together is important and joyful, realize that individual time is equally important. Mix up the alone time amongst all the members, so each parent spends some with each kid; as do the kids with each other. This gives the younger child space to develop a relationship with both mom and dad, while assuaging the older one’s nostalgic need for the same. Same goes for gifts and clothes. You think it’s cute to dress them up similarly, they most definitely don’t. You buy identical gifts because it is the easier way out, they would much rather that their parents notice their uniqueness and be thoughtful specifically.

3. Don’t assign roles

Image Source: www.bustle.com The older child should not be condoned as the boss, or authority; neither should the younger be excused as the baby. Most resentment between siblings arises from parental bias. While the elder child can definitely be a role model, or example; this should happen organically and not because you are pointing it out all the time. And please do not allow your older child to become a quasi-parent. A 4 or 6 year old does not have the maturity to handle authority well, and will most likely tend towards bullying or ignoring with that kind of pressure. It is your job to parent both of them, don’t delegate even a bit. In a wholesome family environment, there will be natural protectiveness and nurturing from the elder sibling, and some hero worship from the younger. This is wonderful and should be praised and encouraged. But again, don’t force it if it is not apparent or immediate.

4. Create opportunities for team work

Image Source: www.gettyimages.com The best way to help them bond is games and activities that allow both children to display their age-appropriate skills while doing something together. Play games around children vs. grown ups, figure out pretend play games that are age agnostic etc. Also establish turn-based rules for outings that involve the entire family. If one weekend is spent doing something for the older one, ensure that the next weekend is focused on the younger one. Find that balance so both your children feel equally important and loved, and also learn to wait their turn and adjust without any resentment. Image Source: eduart4kids.com