An Open Letter To Fellow Moms On Father’s Day

 This article has been long overdue.

The thoughts expressed here keep surfacing every time I see fathers being mocked at or joked about, or when mothers take all the credit for being the only ‘responsible’ parent. Fathers lend me your ears because I am completely on your side. Let’s get a fresh perspective this Father’s Day about the urban Indian dad. Moms don't kid yourself, you are not the 'bechari maa'. Motherhood cannot be as regressive as the Indian television shows that have been airing for over a decade.

Yes, being a mom is a tough job but being a father is not an easy task at all.

Coming home to a woman who has given up a career to take care of the children and completely reshuffling her life to accommodate a family is a big thing. She can be tough to handle. Planning and budgeting for holidays, shopping bills, investments, playing games with your kids and watching them while your wives are out for some girlie fun are sharing responsibility. If I were to draw a parallel back to a corporate set-up there can be only one department head. I am not sure if any woman, I included, can share that responsibility with someone just as competitive.

Of course, women are far more superior in multi-tasking, planning and organising but the other sex has its share of strengths too. Twenty-five years ago, my Dad would take me and my sisters to Marine Drive every Sunday and tell us about the moon, tides, stars and just ask us about our week. I remember all those swimming lessons, all the cheering at my skating tournaments, Maths and Science lessons after he came back from office and the fear to get my test papers signed by him, in case I didn’t do well.

Raising us was not solely done by my mom. It isn’t any different today. I see my husband at every orientation and school event just as excited as I am. He takes the onus of teaching our kids all those things that would probably be a bit of a struggle for me. I see him document a doctor’s appointment, takes chess lessons every day, or teach our daughters cycling and swimming. And while the husband would want to believe that he is the only one, I know this is the story in a lot of urban Indian households. Today, parenting is a shared responsibility. Both parents choose their strengths to ensure that it is a balanced parenting approach. Can I do it alone with no additional help? The answer is – No. I would love more help, but then we always want more of almost everything. The point is, will cribbing and making Dad feel less competent to solve the problem? Maybe next time you ‘Like’ a FB post or a funny e-card about dads, think whether it is really the whole truth. New-age dads are dramatically more involved or just as much as moms, compared to their fathers. From their presence in the delivery room to their role in bathing the baby, to keeping a check on what their kids are eating, to their grades, they're doing things that the past generation would have never done, and they love it.

A lot of moms confess that fathers have this image of being the disciplinarian and it works. Come to think of it, if there was no dad who would play good cop, bad cop. I feel a lot of moms undermine their capabilities and introspect a lot.  Dads never try to displace the mother and I think that’s what’s most important. I also love how they don’t panic and don’t add more stress to any situation. Ask them to babysit, and they do so while peacefully watching TV and rocking the baby to sleep. Give them a puzzle to play with and the need to solve it always gets the kids even more interested. I think God made Dads to ease the stress of kids. Moms have it all planned but dads need to ease off the pressure, have fun, add humour, make a holiday just what it is supposed to be and that’s what makes them special.

If you were to look around, you will see the new Indian Dad does probably everything just like the mom – he changes diapers, feeds the kids, takes them to the birthday parties, takes them for breakfast, does exclusive father-and-child bonding class or weekend, heads out on father and son trips, cheers for his kids at a tournament, and helps them with studies. Really, you can’t ask for more and can’t crib any more to glorify and immortalise the position of the mother. I totally appreciate the perspective that a Dad brings to any conversation about his child.

He may be spending a little less time than the mother, but it’s an important perspective when you are not completely involved too. You get too sucked in and somebody from a distance can gauge things better. And you thought his job was any easier after a tough day at work! Do I ever think I want to switch places with him, the answer is – no. I love what I do.

Yes, I love the feeling of being indispensable but the truth is Daddy completes us.

I don’t want to compete with him but collaborate for a complete parenting experience.