Are You A Protective Or Paranoid Parent? Find Out The Difference

As a parent, how do you find the balance between safety and self-reliance? 

We live in an age of abundant awareness, and parenting advice has never been more omnipresent. Conscious parenting, mindful parenting, spiritual parenting, helicopter parenting, neglectful parenting, soccer moms, competitive moms, stay-at-home moms, working moms, Waldorf schooling, homeschooling, traditional schooling…almost every perspective to this high-involvement job of raising kids has been analysed and researched, written on, talked about and debated hotly. Finally though, whatever the perspective or opinion that a parent holds, it comes down to execution.

It’s fairly straightforward to hone in on the right school or to figure out the right childcare format that works for your family unit. What shapes the majority of your child’s personality, however, is the response and reaction environment at home. As a child moves gradually from physical independence to mental and then emotional independence, the levels of confidence and security entirely depend on a parent’s level of mindful parenting. It is our job as moms and dads to ensure that our vulnerable and innocent kids are kept safe and healthy. It is also our job to ensure that they feel secure, confident and empowered. Unfortunately, very often the two jobs contradict each other.

How does a parent keep their child physically and emotionally safe, and at the same time, allow independence and freedom?

As I observe most parents in large metros, I see them erring almost entirely on the side of physical safety. And these are the parents I am addressing this note to. There is a constant army of caretakers surrounding the kid- grandparents, nannies and drivers. These kids are seen avoiding parks, having play dates only at home under strict supervision,  having a packed schedule with classes and planned activities, with parents helicoptering on school environment, not using public transport, and often monitored by CCTVs and GPS tracking, with material over-indulgence as compensation- this seems to be the latest trend.

Please let’s take a deep breath and look at all of this from the child’s perspective.

This is the world-view of a child being brought up in today’s metropolitan cities:

‘There are dangers all around. I can only trust my family to take care of me. I am too young to go anywhere/be anywhere by myself. I cannot take any decisions for myself. I have no idea what to do with my free time if my parents do not tell me. It is someone else’s job to keep me entertained and occupied. I only have to tell my parents about something that troubled me, for them to take care of it. I am the center of the universe. I need to hide things from my parents or they will not let me do this or that. I can make up stories and easily get out of stuff.’

While the spectre of abuse and accidents and kidnapping and other horrors are a reality and must be guarded against, is this really how we want to shape the future generation?

Because what we are doing is succumbing to our own fears and insecurities. And in our paranoia, we are creating adults who will be utterly unprepared for life. To be blunt, adults who will be weak and over-entitled. Nothing teaches like experience. The experience of boredom teaches creativity. The experience of forgetting homework teaches responsibility. The experience of spending time at friends’ homes teaches diversity. The experience of failure. The experience of relying on their own thoughts. Their own ideas. If we don’t allow our children to test themselves against the environment while we are around to help, advise and protect; life is going to horrify them once they step out…at eighteen, twenty-one or twenty-five. They will fail.

So while you are patting yourselves on the back for keeping your children safe and trauma-free, do take a moment to check for the following tendencies:

• Has your child started doing things on the sly?
• Has your child started lying, making up stories or excuses?
• Does your child feel scared of going anywhere without you?
• Does your child hover around, looking to you for ideas on what to do or play next?

If yes, then maybe it’s time to rethink your protectiveness. Maybe it’s time to acknowledge that your parenting is bordering on paranoid and you are not giving your child the tools necessary to grow into a confident, self-reliant adult. Stay vigilant. Stay protective. But also empower your child. And have a little faith in life. Be a mindful parent.