This article is contributed by Priyanka Bakhru Talwar for Kidsstoppress.com.
Priyanka Bakhru Talwar spent 11 years in the corporate world after her MBA, and in her last profile, she headed marketing for Vogue and Conde Nast Traveler. Around 5 years back, she became interested in metaphysics and psychology, and the adventure that followed has resulted in her new and permanent avatar as a counselor and clinical hypnotherapist. She specialises in relationship and inner child therapies, and is currently pursuing a Masters in Psychology. She dabbles in photography, all ancient and alternative healing arts and cooking; and is passionate about travel and new experiences.
Why having a well-behaved child can be an alarming sign
Adults adore well-behaved children. They are charming, friendly, obedient and trouble-free. In other words, they cause minimal disturbance to our grown-up lives. They feed into our need for pride in our kids. Every parent loves to hear others tell them how lovely and well behaved their kids are. And conversely, almost every parent cringes a little bit inside when their kids disobey them, especially in front of others.
Let’s zoom forward to the qualities of the most successful people in the world. Successful monetarily, creatively and/or emotionally.
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1. Freedom of thought and action – they question things, they break rules and they think for themselves.
2. Joy in discovery and analysis – words like ‘Why’ and ‘How’ have defined their personality.
3. High emotional quotient – they think through their own feelings, know themselves fairly well, and are confident and unafraid to be different.
4. Free of fears – they are passionate and daring about whatever they do, and this comes from not caring if they fail along the way, or falter or get ridiculed. It simply does not matter enough to them what the world thinks.
Now let’s take these same qualities and visualize a child who exhibits them. Will she listen to you or other caregivers at all times? Will he accept all situations and rules without a fuss? Will she be smiling, pleasant and agreeable consistently? Will he perform well in a structured educational environment, and conform to a pre-set standard of excelling? Will she make you ‘proud’ in the conventional sense?
The answer is a resounding ‘No’ to most of these questions. So if you are raising a child who follows most rules, who is always well behaved, who is obedient and a bit scared of repercussions from you, then please rethink your parenting approach. If there is ‘good’ behavior most of the time, then your child will most likely develop into an average, mass adult. One who will likely shape her personality to please you, to receive praise for the conformed standards of ‘success’ – good grades, well dressed and obedient now; and a good job, money in the bank, marriage, kids etc. later. And if you are happy with that, then great! But if you want your kids to reach their highest potential, to love themselves and what they do as adults, to find enriching, passion filled futures, then the change has to start with you!
Here are the habits you need to inculcate as a parent if you want your children to be movers, mavericks, creative and most of all, bone-deep happy as adults:
1. Don’t sweat the small stuff – as long as hygiene, nutrition, safety and basic social skills are in place, don’t try to make them into anything other than what they are. Don’t assert your authority for every class, every gathering, and every performance. Instead, try to let them find their own way. Allow some tantrums. Give in to them more, even if you ‘know better’!
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2. Encourage habits in your parenting interaction that are filled with the spirit of wonderment, inquiry and openness. When asked a question about something, don’t just tell them or show them, instead facilitate their own discovery. Use phrases like ‘let’s figure it out’, ‘I wonder why or how’ and ‘what do you feel about it’ a lot. Create dreamers and magicians and musicians and artists and scientists and storytellers. The world has enough businessmen.
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3. Encourage mistakes and risk taking – this is perhaps the most critical of all corrections you need to make. When you can see your child about to do something the wrong way, resist the urge to preempt them. Most of us simply can’t help showing them the ‘right’ way and the ‘safe’ way to do everything. To draw within the lines. To arrange things neatly. To play by the rules. To stay within boundaries. Don’t jump too high, don’t get hurt, don’t stay in the background, don’t talk too much, and don’t be too loud. Try to alter your own conditioning and let them figure it out. Be there to hug them when they get hurt and encourage them to try again.
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4. Be strict about empathy and kindness – one of the biggest traits of truly happy people is genuine kindness. Their hearts are wide open. They allow themselves to feel everything. No suppression of emotions at all. Teach your children not to be careless with others’ emotions. To not hurt others. Most parents I know focus so much on socially good behavior and too less on why it is needed. Teach them to care.
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Worry if they conform too easily. Worry if they don’t display compassion. Worry if they don’t ask enough questions. Worry if they listen too much to you or to any authority figures. Work harder as a parent. Be a mindful parent!
Please send in all questions, comments and protests to [email protected], facebook/healwithseven or +919820264779. Priyanka is also available for consultation and parenting workshops in Mumbai and Goa.
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