Know your Parenting Quotient?

In todays time of aware parenting, counselors, psychologists, strongly opinionated parents and a plethora of contradictory research, it sometimes gets really confusing to figure out what you should or shouldnt do as parents. What each of us needs to do is develop our own parenting approach, basis our personal vision for our kids. Here are the 4 questions we should all think through as parents, and the answers will decide the kind of mommies and daddies you want to be. Confidence, independence, success, creativity, winning, approach to money, approach to authority, aggression, thoughtfulness, empathy, faith, materialism, approach to challenges, approach to failure, approach to learning, attitude towards friends and peersin short, pretty much all the aspects that will be his mind tools to a rich life as an adult. If youve written I would like my daughter to focus on experiences rather than things under materialism, but you yourself get excited about dressing up and keep buying her whatever she wants, then it just aint gonna happen!!!! So be aware, and either use this opportunity to start changing your own behaviours to what you really uphold, or stop confusing your kids by saying one thing and doing another. If they know that everything you do and say is honest and consistent, they will learn to trust everything else you have said, about life and beliefs.
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This article is contributed by Priyanka Bakhru Talwar for Kidsstoppress.com.
Priyanka Bakhru Talwar spent 11 years in the corporate world after her MBA, and in her last profile, she headed
 marketing for Vogue and Conde Nast Traveler. Around 5 years back, she became interested in metaphysics and psychology, and the adventure that followed has resulted in her new and permanent avatar as a counselor and clinical hypnotherapist. She specialises in relationship and inner child therapies, and is currently pursuing a Masters in Psychology. She dabbles in photography, all ancient and alternative healing arts and cooking; and is passionate about travel and new experiences.

What’s your Parenting Quotient?

In today’s time of aware parenting, counselors, psychologists, strongly opinionated parents and a plethora of contradictory research, it sometimes gets really confusing to figure out what you should or shouldn’t do as parents. I recently read a rant on how some dads said their minds were going to explode with the number of dos and don’ts coming their way via social media. At the same time I’ve had parents leave my workshops, grumbling about how impossible it is to be conscious of their behavior at all times.

As a mom to a toddler myself, trust me, I get it! One study on child development with stay-at-home moms vs. working moms could wrack you with even more guilt. Another perspective on the long-term perils of saying ‘good job’ or ‘well done’ may flummox you on how else to express praise. The fact is, kids can be challenging and stubborn and self-involved and frustrating. And we are all human. And teeth need to be brushed and homework needs to get done! Would we rather feel guilty over forcing the child to brush their teeth or guilty about cavities and weak gums? Let’s stop sweating the small stuff, and develop clarity on the larger picture.

What each of us needs to do is develop our own parenting approach, basis our personal vision for our kids. And that is Mindful Parenting. What is the difference between a mother who wants to raise a kind, empathetic child and another who wants to raise a fearless go-getter? The difference is the parents’ personalities and what they consider virtues and values. And that’s fine. What’s not fine is not thinking it through. Not being consistent. Not taking responsibility for how your kids are shaping up. Not being mindful.

Here are the 4 questions we should all think through as parents, and the answers will decide the kind of mommies and daddies you want to be. Write down the answers, and look at them every now and then. If you child is shaping up to that person, then “Good Job Parents!â€_x009d_

1. What are the beliefs and traits you would like your child to develop as an adult?

Confidence, independence, success, creativity, winning, approach to money, approach to authority, aggression, thoughtfulness, empathy, faith, materialism, approach to challenges, approach to failure, approach to learning, attitude towards friends and peers…in short, pretty much all the aspects that will be his mind tools to a rich life as an adult. Think through how you would like her to think or feel about each of these aspects. Money is important or of no concern. It’s important to win or trying and learning is all that matters. Obedience to elders and teachers no matter what, or question everything till you understand.

So go ahead and put it down, ‘I would like my child to learn to fight back and not take nonsense from anyone’ or ‘I would like my child to stand up for herself but never hit back’

2. Which of these traits and behaviours do you contradict in your own personality?

This is the really big and honest question. Remember, children learn more by observing you than by all the lectures and talks. So go ahead and look at that list you just made, and highlight the beliefs you don’t display. If you’ve written ‘I would like my daughter to focus on experiences rather than things’ under materialism, but you yourself get excited about dressing up and keep buying her whatever she wants, then it just ain’t gonna happen!!!! Or you would like your son to be really creative, but are yourself obsessed with doing the right thing and fitting in all the time, again contradictory!

 So be aware, and either use this opportunity to start changing your own behaviours to what you really uphold, or stop confusing your kids by saying one thing and doing another. Keep in mind that by contradictions in rules for them and for you, all you end up doing is teaching them that they can do whatever they like once they grow up, which will be all the things you are teaching them not to!

3.  Are you controlling or approachable?

Whatever your personality, and whatever your vision for your child, it really, really matters how strongly you try to enforce it. Someone recently quoted a beautiful analogy of a flying kite. There’s a time to tug on the string, and a time to loosen it. That’s children. Show them how to be, by being those things yourself. Telling them, and hassling them, and forcing them will actually achieve the opposite. Give them room to make mistakes and learn, to wonder and to be able to come to you with all questions. Be open and be approachable. Be loving. Focus on ‘why’ and ‘how’ rather than ‘No’. Remember they are always a work in progress. And let them decide for themselves.

4. When your kids look back at you as a parent, will they remember you as honest or dishonest?

And this is the last introspection you need to do as a mindful parent. Their entire worldview is based on their view of you as parents. Keep the circle of trust and honesty strong. When you have to go out, explain truthfully and leave, even if the younger ones cry. Sneaking out is easier, but so much more harmful in the long run. When they ask you age-inappropriate questions, explain as wholesomely as possible, or tell them that they will understand when they are older. Don’t lie, or make up stories that they will know were lies when they are older.

If they know that everything you do and say is honest and consistent, they will learn to trust everything else you have said, about life and beliefs. And most importantly, they will learn to be true and honest to themselves

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