Preparing the older child for a new baby

So as weeks to my due date are fast approaching and as always we cannot, not have a plan for everything. The husband and I have been reading extensively and spending enough time with my daughter and keeping her absolutely involved with the whole process. Are we right, wrong, will it pay off we don’t know but like a first time parent here is some stuff that I have tried through the last seven months and its helped. Its helped me being completely hands on with everything my daughter is doing and not let her feel that moms priorities have changed. It also helped me spend a lot of quality time with her before my time gets shared. When I spoke to my mom about how she dealt with us as siblings, she said its tough at first but it all falls into place in due course. As new age parents we are far more involved and take every developement in our childs life very seriously, which is great but some times I feel we need to back off and let time heal. The journey so far for the us as a family has been beautiful and before the husband and I decided on having a second baby we discussed it with our daughter. She was sure she wanted a little baby to look after. Actually having a younger niece in the family has helped her understand babies a lot and be extremely caring towards them. So here is what we have done in the last 7 months and plan to do in the months to come: 1. Finding out:I remember taking the pregnancy test with my daughter so she knows what to expect and whether God is ready to give us a baby or he is busy. Her anticipation to see those two pink lines was the most exciting thing for me even more than seeing those two pink lines appear. She was amazed at what that little apparatus could do! 2. Our secret: She was the first one to know that I was pregnant and it was our little secret. Trust me kids love when they are the only ones who know a secret. She felt responsible that I trusted her with my little secret and we both broke the news to the husband together. She was the only one could share the news with all friends and family and that was a great feeling for her 3. Dealing with sickness: The first trimester wasn’t easy at all and  I was very sick towards the end of the day. To my luck it was evening sickness and the husband would be home by then and would take over. I also had great help with my mother in law who would take over the post dinner time with her. I didn’t tell her that the new baby is making me sick at all. I just told her that mommy will be unwell for the next few weeks and its normal. I did tweak her schedule to make her go to bed early and rise early when I was absolutely fine. Here again don’t underestimate your children they understand a lot and are extremely adaptable 4. Medicine Time: As the medicines increased I would ensure that I didn’t take a single medicine without her. She would also remind me that mom you’ve not taken your medicines. Again here she felt responsible & involved 5. Prenatal exercise class: I did discuss my exercise class with her and tell her that mummy now needs to do special exercises so the baby is healthy. Whenever she didn’t have school she accompanied me for my yoga class  and was quite amused at the exercises I did. She did try to replicate some of them at home but she knew which ones were dangerous and babies cannot do them and which ones she could. She was always excited to pack her backpack with books to read, crayons, snack box & bottle to keep her entertained through those 90 minutes. There were times I would read to her while I was doing an asana and there were times when she would just play on her own. 6. Doctor visits: One thing I am glad about is that no matter what the daughter is comfortable visiting doctors clinics. She is never scared or has had a bad experience and I think that has helped me a lot. Right from my gynaec to dentist to sonographies to blood tests she accompanied me for all of them. Yes its sometimes difficult to plan things according to her times but then make sure they don’t miss the sonogram. Its always exciting for them. 7. Reading: We haven’t bought too many books on dealing with a new baby but we ensure that our weekly emailer on whats happening with the baby by Babycentre.com is a routine of our family time. The husband, daughter and I read it together. This way she knows whats happening with her baby all the time and is so thrilled to let the rest of the family know 8. Her baby: We always regard the baby as ‘HER BABY’ and so she feels like she is responsible for the baby. I explained to her that because she is too small to have a baby that’s why god has given the baby in mamas stomach and once its out she will be responsible for all the baby duties. She will be responsible for playing, reading, teaching him/her good manners, eating the right food, potty training and loving mama. This feeling makes her feel so comfortable and secure that nothing will change 9. Sleeping together: The daughter until now and like most Indian families sleeps with us and we have been trying to move her out of the room for over 6 months. She has gradually taken to it with some good nights and some bad ones. But if you plan to do that as well just do it well in advance before you start growing physically too. Dont wait for the last trimester or after the new one arrives. That will make it only worse. 10. Don’t outsource your duties: I haven’t outsourced any of my duties and its only because I want to ensure that she feels that the pregnancy hasn’t made any changes to her routine and life. Try not to unless you can’t stop doing stuff she would usually expect of you. 11. Getting new things for the baby & creating space: Because I have a lot of stuff from the last time we haven’t really shopped for the new one but whatever we need to she is the one who chooses and decides. To create some space for the baby we haven’t really cleared off any of her stuff but really made room by cleaning out our cupboards. This made her feel that everybody is kind of doing something for the new baby and so should she. But we obviously didn’t displace her stuff even though she was willing to share. 12. Dividing time: The husband and I both often ask for her time together and she pacifies us saying ok I will give you one hand and I will give you the other understanding well that she is getting divided. We then ask her how will she manage the little one and she says she will. These little role plays have helped her understand that time will get divided and mommy cannot be everywhere. 13. Talk: There is nothing more important than talking to your child. Right from explaining her that mom gets tired or mom cannot carry you to mom cannot bend, or mommy cannot run after you so you need to play in a certain radius only has helped me tremendously. The daughter has been naughty sometimes but most of the time she is forth coming and will tell me mom, you cannot bend so dont do that. When the baby first kicked she got all possessive that mom why is the baby doing that to you but I did reason that the baby doesn’t have space and only if he moves around will he be a healthy baby. She knows exactly what to expect when I go into labour and how she needs to wait back with her grand mother and the husband and I need to rush to the hospital because operations and treatments are done only there. How after school every evening she will come to see me at the hospital and look after the baby. We have also discussed the feeding part of it and she knows that I will feed the baby from the breast just the way she was fed and like most babies are fed. But she knows thats ‘Baby food’ and she is old enough for it. However if she wishes to try it she can. Only papa, and grandma and she are allowed to be in the room when the baby is feeding as they are close to the baby. So the one thing that’s helped is communication. Has it been all bright & beautiful and no resistance from the daughter at all. Ofcourse not there were times when she just wouldn’t want us to separate and unwilling to attend any class or structured program except school and that did drive me crazy thinking why is she doing this? But I also realized that she is the child and she cannot change so I need to calm down. Yes it was a play of nerves at times and I did lose my cool but then we had a plan for that too. Every time I thought it was getting difficult for me to cope with it I would back off and let the husband or any other family member take over. If there was no one around I would withdraw and take time off. I decided to choose and pick my battles. Did it help? Yes it did tremendously. Will there be sibling rivalry, jealousy and unsettling we dont know. We just know we did try and will continue to try and make things easier for her as she will be going through a huge change with being the sole centre of attention for 3.5 years to getting someone half her size to steal her thunder. Cant blame her it can happen to the best of us. But what we do know is that its worked so far… This is a website for parents and we would love to hear your stories that can help so many parents around the world. If you would like to share your experiences about parenting please write to us at [email protected] . Image Source: Ayushveda.com