The desperate need for getting my kids to listen to me, without my constant screaming, made me turn to an almost 4-decade old parenting book – “How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk” by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.
After reading a couple of chapters, I realized that there are definitely better ways to handle various situations with my children. The book helped me notice what I was doing wrong, in order to get the kids to listen to me – Blackmailing, Bribing, Accusing, Lecturing, Threatening, they were all part of my armoury. And, contrary to what I thought, these methods never truly solved anything. Instead, they led to negative feelings such as unworthiness, resentment, boredom etc., in the child. So what can we do to get our kids to listen to us?
Solution 1: Describe what you see or describe the problem
It is easier for the kids to concentrate on the problem when someone describes it to them. It gives them a chance to figure out what to do, on their own. Instead of “How many times do I need to tell you to put your lunch box in the sink? Do you have a hearing problem?”, you say, “Your lunch box is lying near the shoe rack.” It is harder for the children to focus when we are telling them what is wrong with them.
Solution 2: Give them the required information
When children are given information, they usually figure out what needs to be done on their own. Instead of “Ugh! What is wrong with you? How can you sit in this filth in your room?”, you give them information, “chocolate wrappers belong in the dustbin. Books look better on the bookshelves”. Accusations don’t really work towards helping the situation, the information does!
Solution 3: Say it with a word
Children, like adults, dislike hearing lectures all the time. A short reminder would work better. Instead of “Look at you! You are forgetting to keep the shoes back again! Why can’t you remember these things? You never forget to watch your favourite TV shows! Why do I need to keep repeating this?”, simply say, “Tia, the shoes.”
Solution 4: Talk about your feelings
It is easier for kids to cooperate with someone who is expressing irritation or anger, as long as they aren’t being attacked. So don’t comment on the child’s character or personality. Instead of “You are so indifferent! No matter how many times I keep saying something, you act like you can’t hear me”, say, “I feel so frustrated when I need to repeat myself so many times.”.
So there it is! As parents, it isn’t easy to change our attitudes and behaviour in a day. There will be a lot of slip-ups, you lose your temper and are screaming away to glory. But when you are aware of the alternatives, you tend to listen to yourself talk to your children. There will be times when you accuse or threaten your child and an alarm goes off in your mind – you suddenly retract and say “You know what? I apologize for calling you a destructive monster. What I meant was, you are capable of taking care of your things”. Slowly with time, you will replace the negativity with positive, constructive statements. Slowly, with every interaction with your child, you will start feeling like a perfectly normal adult having a perfectly sane conversation with another individual (and not a screaming match!)
Rushita Sheth
Janani S Koushik
Mansi Zaveri
Apollo Cradle
KSP Team
